The films on this list are comprised of the worst films I’ve seen before 6/30/23. One of these is technically a 2022 film but did not get a release to the public (me) until 2023. So just be cool about it. My rules make sense in my mind and my ranking is as follows. These films are more or less in order.

Love Again – A film that starts with the lead character’s boyfriend dying in a car crash which we do not see, we see her smiling as he walks away and then we see her face develop a faint look of fear as we hear the sound of a car crash. And this moment is so awkwardly done, I laughed out loud. It set the tone for the next hour and a half pretty well though. Something that is funny but never on purpose, and impossibly cringe inducing from beginning to end.

Inside – I love a good survivalist movie. I love a good one-location movie. I love Willem Dafoe. There is no reason I shouldn’t have loved Inside, in which an art thief is trapped inside an impossibly high tech NYC high rise apartment after a heist doesn’t go as planned. There is so much excruciating voiceover about the importance of art and why it lasts, the film repeats itself, both verbally and visually. The central problem is probably the fact that you don’t care about this character or what happens to him. He’s an awful human being, and we know nothing about his backstory and the film isn’t interested in giving us a reason to care about him. Also, the obstacles he faces become increasingly complex and they’re almost laughable after the third time you see the same thing.

The Son – Technically a 2022 release but didn’t get a theatrical release until 2023 so it counts. A film full of horrible performances by great actors. Hugh Jackman, Laura Dern and Vanessa Kirby are all wasted here and this is an incredible stain on all their resumes. Zen McGrath as the titular son presents as bargain basement Timothée Chalamet. Florian Zeller’s follow-up to 2020’s The Father fails for about every reason that film succeeds. The real problem here is the writing. This is a film about parents trying to come to terms with their son’s mental health crisis. And they don’t know how to react to anything. It’s almost funny how inept these characters are, and how silly their behavior is. But considering what a real and present problem this film is exploring, it feels wildly inappropriate and irresponsible.

The Super Mario Brothers Movie – While not as bad as I thought it was going to be, it’s still aggressively not good. It’s loud, cacophonous, overly colorful and eager to please. It’s made for very small children who don’t know this 30-40 year old property. It’s full of noise and references and stupid jokes and yet it’s all kind of painfully boring. It’s jam packed with Easter eggs for longtime fans, which I couldn’t appreciate because I am not well versed in this world. The same thing applies to superhero movies and movies based on books – I shouldn’t have to do homework to enjoy a big blockbuster movie. I should just be able to come in and enjoy it, and I found very little to enjoy here.

Your Place or Mine – This is REALLY unfortunate. I love Aline Brosh MxKenna. The Devil Wears Prada is one of my favorite films of all time and Crazy Ex Girlfriend is an all time great TV series. McKenna is aiming for Nora Ephron here and misses. It feels like the script got away from her in spectacular fashion. However, it doesn’t help that she’s hired two leads, Reese Witherspoon and Ashton Kutcher, who do not have any chemistry whatsoever. Note the attached picture for evidence of their pointed lack of chemistry. At the end, these lifelong friends realize they’ve been in love with each other the whole time and you think to yourself, ‘what?’ It’s obvious that’s where this story was going but it doesn’t feel like we’ve earned that at all.

About My Father – While not as dreadful as the trailers might suggest, I found About My Father to be a tediously unfunny exercise in banality. Robert de Niro can do this kind of material in his sleep, and unfortunately for every The Irishman of his late stage career he gets five of these. Using the humor of standup comedian Sebastian Maniscalco as a selling point, I didn’t find his brand of humor to be particularly funny. A mean-spirited section involving the murder of a family pet particularly didn’t sit well with me.

Plane – Not a great sign when the high-energy action-adventure romp made me fall asleep twice.

Ant Man and the Wasp – Quantumania – I’m just tired. Ant Man and the Wasp: Quantumania is full of ideas. Some are better than others. But it’s also a full on visual assault full of the ones and zeros that have exhausted me in Marvel movies for so long. So little of this feels real and the green screen of it all envelops you and exhausts you. The screenplay is mostly dull and predictable. There isn’t a single element of this movie’s story that I found surprising. Especially the ending which feels like the exact same ending from another recent Marvel movie. I didn’t even really care about the post credits scenes.

The Flash – A compelling argument against the superhero movie in general – The Flash is a comic book film that is constantly referencing other IP and patting the audience on the back for understanding its references. It’s all Easter eggs and cameos and that takes the viewer out of a perfectly interesting narrative about grief. Troubled star Ezra Miller is never the problem here, and yet The Flash is problem after problem for two and a half exhausting hours.

Beau is Afraid – After much thought and reconsideration, I am firmly of the opinion that Beau is Afraid does not work. It’s thematically repetitive, it’s a meandering journey to nowhere. And the lead character is not very interesting once you dissect it all. I do appreciate a movie that totally throws you for a loop and disorients you, leaving you to question your opinion of the thing you just watched. But after careful examination, I think I kind of hated this movie.